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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27800722">Shattered</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Jillian/pseuds/Just_Jillian'>Just_Jillian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Richie Tozier, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sassy Eddie Kaspbrak, Self-Harm, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:48:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,452</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27800722</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_Jillian/pseuds/Just_Jillian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Edward Kaspbrak is so close to shattering </p><p>And Richard Tozier believes he can glue the pieces back together</p><p>✩✩✩✩✩</p><p>And as we walk to his house a comforting silence settles over us. It feels as if we're walking towards an infinite lifetime with just ourselves. Glowing eyes and bright smiles. Leaning on each other for support, and soaking in each other's body warmth.</p><p>Happiness, you can feel happy. But feel sad. like how it can rain with the sun out. It's gloomy, and you feel hopeless.<br/>But the sadness is shining, the dull glare is replaced with a beautiful star. And then a rainbow appears. Gorgeous colors shine through the clouds. All those colors becoming one, turning into a beautiful supernova. Seeing them everywhere until the rainbow is gone, and the rain starts again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. 𝙸𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>So this is my first story<br/>
It may suck<br/>
It may be good<br/>
(don't expect it to be good)</p><p>This story will include<br/>
———————————-<br/>
-Self harm<br/>
-Anorexia<br/>
-Mature language<br/>
-NO smut (unless it's like a fluffy sexual scene)<br/>
-Abuse<br/>
-Bullying<br/>
-Social and regular anxiety<br/>
-Depression<br/>
-Homophobic slurs<br/>
•••••</p><p>Sexualities<br/>
——————————<br/>
Ben ~ Heterosexual<br/>
Beverly ~ Biromantic, Asexual<br/>
Bill ~ Homosexual<br/>
Eddie ~ Homosexual, Non-binary (closeted)<br/>
Mike ~Aromantic, Asexual<br/>
Richie ~ Bisexual<br/>
Stanley ~ Pansexual <br/>
•••••</p><p>Losers club<br/>
The losers club won't be bullied but they still won't be popular<br/>
————————<br/>
Richie<br/>
Stanley<br/>
Mike<br/>
Bill<br/>
Beverly<br/>
Ben<br/>
~Eddie will be added to the losers club over time<br/>
•••••</p><p>Grades<br/>
—————-<br/>
Eddie ~ Junior (11)<br/>
Bill ~ Junior (11)<br/>
Beverly~ Junior (11)<br/>
Richie ~ Senior (12)<br/>
Mike ~ Senior (12)<br/>
Stanley ~ Senior (12)<br/>
Ben ~ Senior (12)<br/>
•••••</p><p>~ I do not in any way own IT, all rights go to Stephen King<br/>
~ but the plot is mine<br/>
~I will add trigger warnings at the top of each chapter<br/>
~My grammar isn't the greatest but I'm trying here<br/>
~ set in modern time<br/>
~I'm not sure when I will update but most likely on Saturday/Sunday<br/>
~ I might make a Spotify playlist<br/>
But I will add a song at the top of each chapter<br/>
~ I don't not suggest reading if your struggling with your mental health ( but I can't make you cause I'm writing it and my mental health is horrible)<br/>
I really hope you like this story<br/>
Farewell</p><p>~jillian</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. 𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings <br/>————————————-<br/> In depth Self harm<br/>Mature language <br/>Homophobic slurs </p><p>Song: Migraine <br/>Composer : Twenty Øne Pilots</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Insomnia</p><p>Noun</p><p>Habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep</p><p> </p><p>   People consider their minds an escape from reality, a place where your imagination can run free and all you think about are rainbows and puppy's. But not everybody's mind is like that. Some people don't believe that puppy's and rainbows are gods creation. Some people believe that rainbows are to colorful and puppy's are to loud.</p><p> </p><p>   And one of those people is Eddie Kaspbrak. He doesn't live an amazing life with amazing friends and a cheerleader girlfriend, the opposite to be exact. He gets bullied day in and day out. He has no friends and to top it if he's gayer then a pride flag.</p><p> </p><p>   And at this point all Eddie Kaspbrak can think about at 5:00 A.M in the morning after getting no sleep whatsoever that night is what would have had to happen for his life to be different?</p><p>Would his dad have to be alive?</p><p>Would he have had to be popular just to not get bullied?</p><p>But no matter how many thoughts he has he still can't come up for a reason for why his life is a living hell.</p><p> </p><p>And he knows everybody's life sucks. People have problems and difficulties in their life's. But why did he have to have every single metal Illness in his shit show of a life. And why in gods name can't he fucking sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Finally after deciding the longer he stayed in bed awake, the more shittier his day would get. He made himself get up. He trudged himself into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. It was broken to say the least. There were cracks almost everywhere and it was so close to just shattering. He wishes he could get a better one than the piece of junk, But his momma said how they didn't need a new one when it was perfectly fine and still usable.</p><p> </p><p>He had bags under his eyes that were so vibrant that it was the main attraction when people looked at him. he had apatch of acne on his forehead and around his nose, which was scattered with his dark freckles on his sun kissed skin. He smiled and saw the bright shinny metal in his mouth. 'Brace-face' was the first thought in his head. Oh god how he hated his appearance. He was ugly, revolting as the kids at school would say. He was overweight as his momma would say. All though you could easily see his ribs.</p><p> </p><p>He decided he should take a shower after noticing his oily, matted hair. He turned the water as hot as it would go loving the burning he would feel. He undressed not  caring to spare another glance at the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>Once he stepped in the shower he let the water ingulf him. It ran down his body like rain ran down a window. It ran down his thighs and his hips as he started to clean them. He started to sing in his head as he started to dance around a little. just as he was about to sing out loud. Something snapped his attention away. And with one quick glance his eyes land on the object. His razor, 'well shit' he thought as he stared it down. It was like an intense staring contest. But if he lost all he would feel was pain.</p><p> </p><p>"Fuck it"</p><p> </p><p>he whispered as he grabbed the razor. He slowly glided the razor down his left forearm. Watching as the red blood slid down his arm mixing in with the water on the bottom of the shower. Ugly thoughts started to fill his head as he cut two more lines on his arm</p><p> </p><p>' we'll or it isn't faggot kaspbrak.'</p><p> </p><p>'you're a disappointment, go kill yourself slut.'</p><p> </p><p>' Eddie-bear you're gaining weight, no dinner tonight.'</p><p> </p><p>Before he knew it he was crying. Tears flooding down his face as it mixed with the water.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie cut off the shower once his tears finally stopped. He walked back in his bedroom and saw that about 30 minutes had passed since it was now 5:27. He towel dried his hair. He then picked out an outfit. He grabbed an oversized gray hoodie, a pair of black ripped jeans and a pair of light pink vans.</p><p> </p><p>He then walked downstairs to be greeted with is momma, Sonia Kaspbrak. She was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.</p><p> </p><p>"Good morning Eddie-bear"Sonia greeted while still look down at her phone.</p><p> </p><p>"Good morning momma". He replied.</p><p> </p><p>"Make sure to take your pills and no breakfast". He sighed he hadn't eaten in about 2 days now and he was starving.</p><p> </p><p>"Okay momma I will, love you"</p><p> </p><p>I grabbed my pills and ran out of the door before she could respond.</p><p> </p><p>I started to walk to school. Now most schools aren't great. I mean what school is great. but if the greatest school there is sucks. You can just imagine how bad Derry high home of the badgers Was.</p><p>As he approached the school he took in His surroundings. Some students were chatting with each other why'll others were busy sucking face. He walked though the crowd of people, carefully maneuvering around them.</p><p> </p><p>He was about to turn a corner to get into the school when he was pushed down. "Shit" he yelled as one of his cuts from that morning reopened.</p><p> </p><p>"Well if it isn't the slut" he heard a voice say. He slowly looked up to see Henry Bowers standing in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>" last time I checked I'm still the virgin in this conversation". He said as he slowly started to get himself of the ground.</p><p> </p><p>But as soon as he stood up he was pushed back down. Henry slowly lowered himself to the ground so that his mouth was in front of Eddie's ear.</p><p> </p><p>"I'd watch if I was you, fag".</p><p> </p><p>He whispered before standing back up and walking away with his gang.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh please we both know you suck Hockstetters dick every night"</p><p>I called as I ran around the corner.</p><p> </p><p>I knew I was dead if he saw me today so I decided to lay low. I walked into first period which so happened to be World History. I went and sat down in the back of the class as the teacher walked in.</p><p>And to think, it's only morning time.</p><p> </p><p>•••••</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches<br/>I hope you enjoyed this chapter of Shattered // Reddie  </p><p> </p><p>Byeeeeee</p><p>                               ~Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. 𝙸𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings<br/>---------------------<br/>Self-doubting </p><p>Song ~ OK<br/>Composer ~ Mabel</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Social Anxiety<br/>A Chronic mental health condition in which social interactions cause irrational anxiety</p><p>Eddie always was a loner. He tended to spend more time in his head then with real people. And although He didn't like the thought of making friends. In a way, he couldn't. </p><p>At the age of ten, Eddie self-diagnosed himself with Social Anxiety. Anytime a kid would come up to him on the playground, he would run away and start crying. And it wasn't cause he didn't want to talk to the kid. He just couldn't make himself.</p><p>And as he got older, not being able to talk to people started to reflect on his life. He couldn't make friends so he was called a freak, he was unliked because of this. But the main thing was group projects. Cause he had to do those. And that's where he was now it was the end of the second period and he was about to head to lunch when his teacher stopped the kids. </p><p>" before everybody leaves I want y'all to know that tomorrow I will assign a partner project. You and your partner will work on this at school or out of school. I will let y'all know your partners and your project tomorrow. Now everybody have a great rest of your day. You're dismissed." </p><p>'Well shit' Eddie thought as he went to the lunchroom. He was prepared to grab his food and run to the bathroom when he ran into somebody. </p><p>" shit I'm so so so sorry" </p><p>Eddie said as he helped the kid up. And Eddie was. Whenever he did something like this he was prepared to get called names and get beat up. But the kid he ran into didn't start calling him names as he walked him to the back of the school but instead held out his hand.</p><p>"It's perfectly fine cutie, I'm Richie but you can call me yours" wow what an original Eddie thought as he took Richie's hand.</p><p>"I'm Eddie and fortunately I have higher standards"</p><p>"Oh really, and what would these standards be," Richie asks with a cocky grin slowly making its way onto his face</p><p>"Sorry to burst your bubble, but anybody who's not you" Eddie responded with a dull expression rested upon his face </p><p>"aww I feel loved" </p><p>"You shouldn't"</p><p>"Now eds, what's got your panties in a twist?"Richie says in an awful accent that Eddie figures were his go at impersonating a British one.</p><p>"Having to talk to you" </p><p>"Well now your just being rude</p><p>" Wow my hard works paying off"</p><p>" you know, you're acting like a bitch"</p><p>"No honey I'm not acting, I am a bitch.<br/>And as fun, as it was talking to you I have to go eat my lunch in the bathroom stall. Bye now" Eddie says as he goes to the bathroom </p><p>And wow, does Eddie really hate people.</p><p>_____</p><p>Eddie sits on the floor, locked in a stall as he plays on his phone. He's in the middle of reading call me by your name on the kindle app when the bathroom door opens. He vaguely hears crying, coming from whoever comes in.</p><p>" Maybe they're right" Eddie hears a faint voice say </p><p>"Maybe I do eat too much"</p><p>Eddie was never one to partake in talking to people, but he couldn't let someone think that. Eddie slowly undid the lock of his stall. When he stepped out he saw a boy with blonde curly hair. He could see tear tracks on the boy's rosy cheeks, He could easily see his bitten red lips covered in blood.</p><p>"Don't think that about yourself, you shouldn't listen to or care what people have to say about you, you're yourself for a reason"</p><p>The boy jumps from the abrupt voice.</p><p>"what the hell!"</p><p>"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you."<br/>Eddie looks over at the person with an apologetic look in his eyes.</p><p>"No don't apologize, um did you hear that" the boy ask self consciously turning back to the mirror looking over his reflection.</p><p>" Yeah, but you really shouldn't think that. You're beautiful-"</p><p>"Stanley."</p><p>" you're beautiful Stanley."</p><p>" yeah well people tend to disagree with your opinion."</p><p>"well then fuck them!"</p><p>" yeah fuck them" Stanley echoes.</p><p>Eddie can't help the smile that comes to his face. Seeing Stanley go from staring at himself in the mirror with a disgusting glare on his face to a shy smile, just brings him happiness.</p><p>But no matter the words he said to Stanley, Eddie still can't see the same in himself.<br/>•••••</p><p>As Eddie heads to his next class (French)<br/>He still has a glowing smile on his face. For the rest of lunch, Eddie and Stanley stayed in the bathroom talking until Stanley said he had to get back to his friends.</p><p>And now as he walks the halls he can't help but think about what would've happened if Eddie wasn't there to confront stan.</p><p>When Eddie walks and in he notices Ms. Lane Isn't there yet. He walks to the back of the class and grabs his phone deciding to read until she shows up. </p><p>"Bonjour a' Toute la classe"</p><p>"Bonjour Ms. Lane," the whole class says in response.</p><p>"aujourd' Hui, vous recevrez un test après avoir terminé pouvez faire ce que vous voulez."</p><p>"oui m' dame"</p><p>As the class went on Ms. Lane handed out the test. It wasn't hard, or to Eddie, it wasn't. </p><p>Once he was finished he turned in his test the preceded to take his phone out of his pocket and read.</p><p>French always went quicker then his other classes did. Once class ended he packed up his bag and left the class</p><p>As the day goes on he does his work, but barely remembers anything. On his way to the main door of the school, he notices Stanley. He contemplates going and talking to him but decided against it when he sees he's with his friends.</p><p>But what he didn't notice was that one of <br/> His friends was Richie Tozier himself. And what he absolutely didn't notice was Richie staring down his arm like a tiger stalking its prey</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>❁❁❁❁❁<br/>Hi bitches<br/>I hope you enjoyed chapter 2 of <br/>Shattered // reddie <br/>I hope you guys, gals, and non-binary pals have a great rest of your</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. 𝙸𝙸𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings<br/>----------------------<br/>Implied rape/sexual assault <br/>Homophobic slurs<br/>Slut-shaming <br/>Self-harm </p><p>Song ~ cake<br/>Composer ~ Melanie Martinez</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Folk take<br/>Noun<br/>Something resembling a fairy tale in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy </p><p> </p><p>A sudden force seems to force Eddie into his mind, and now here he is. In a field of flowers. Beautiful, magnificent, angelic flowers. And then as if there was an explosion the flowers burst creating a supernova of colors. And then as the colorful pigment fell to the ground Eddie was left in a pitch-black room.</p><p>And all Eddie could see was miles on miles of the dingy room, and all Eddie could feel was loneliness, As he was left with his mind. And as the saying goes, your mind is a dark place.</p><p>And here Eddie is now all alone in yet another pitch-black room. But this time it isn't an illusion but this time it's evident. This time he really is alone in his mind. With the depressing thoughts that run through his head, with yet another bleeding wrist. And as the tears fall down his face, leaving a wet patch that catches the breeze that comes through his window.</p><p>He is left to wonder, why can't I live in a fairytale.<br/>•••••</p><p>Eddie realizes just how bad Tuesday will be as he walks into class the next day. <br/>Now of course he remembered having a partner project. But he didn't think his partner would be the Mason Carter. 'motherfucker' Eddie thinks as he gets up to go sit beside Mason. </p><p>"Hey girly boy."</p><p>"Oh go suck a dick, Mason."</p><p>"I'm pretty sure that's your job fruit."</p><p>"at least people like tasting me, when was the last time you were tasted, Mason?"</p><p>" you'll pay for that you little slut" Mason says as he turns around in his seat.</p><p>"can't wait, babe" and that was the end of the conversation.</p><p>But all Eddie could think about was what would happen when school was over.</p><p>"Okay class, so for our first unit we will be starting with the finding of America. With your partner you will be creating a timeline of the beginning of 1492 till now, meaning 2018. Make sure you add important events. And don't add unnecessary information. You will be given 3 weeks to work on this project, so get it done, any questions"</p><p>Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lilly apple bottom raise her hand</p><p>"yes Lilly"</p><p>"can we change our partners?"</p><p>"If it came down to it then yes, but if it isn't necessary then no."</p><p>"yea ma'am."</p><p>"anymore more questions?"</p><p>No one raised there hands as the classroom became silent.</p><p>"Okay then you're dismissed."</p><p>I quickly stood up from my seat, not waiting around to see how fuming mason was. I walked to my next class which was AP English. </p><p>By the end of class, I was already drained. This morning momma said I still shouldn't eat so I decided to just go ahead and go to the bathroom.</p><p>Once I got in there I locked myself in the handicap stall and sat down. Grabbing my phone and headphones to continue reading.</p><p>I must have been in the bathroom for longer than I planned. When I went to walk out of the bathroom I saw mason and Lucas turn around the corner heading straight for me.</p><p>" well if it isn't the slut" Mason says as Lucas chuckles.</p><p>"What do you want Mason," I say, my voice quivering.</p><p>"We just want to have a little fun, that's all," Lucas says as he backs me back into the bathroom.</p><p>"and if I remember correctly you told me to 'go suck a dick' right?"</p><p>"Mason look I know you're upset but please, you're not that psychotic, are you?" I say my eyes brimming to with tears.</p><p>" you don't know what I am Eddie," Mason says as he pushes up against the wall.</p><p>He started to kiss my neck as Lucas scrambles to unzip my pants. I go to scream but Mason covers my mouth with his hand.</p><p>"now time for some fun" Lucas says as he pulls my pants down<br/>•••••</p><p>I lay down on the bathroom floor as they both walk out, tear tracks lining my face as new ones start to fall down as well.</p><p>"fuck you, Mason Carter" I whisper to myself as my eyes start to close<br/>•••••</p><p>I wake up to someone tapping my shoulder.</p><p>"Hey, are you okay?"</p><p>" I don't t-think he's okay ben."</p><p>"Well I was just wondering."</p><p>I slowly open my eyes, a major pounding  in my head</p><p>" I think he's awake."</p><p>"No s-shit, ben."</p><p>"what happened," I say feeling the cold air on my way face.</p><p>" you t-tell me, dude, you're the one on the bathroom floor a-an hour after s-s-school."</p><p>Suddenly I remember, my scream and cries for help only to be left empty-handed.</p><p>"I-i-i shit" I whisper to myself as I scurry to get off of the floor.</p><p>"a-are you okay?"</p><p>Suddenly I start to cry again. I don't know who these people are but both of them pull me into a hug. I just continue to cry listening to the muscular one's heartbeat.</p><p>" I'm Ben by the way, and that's Bill."</p><p>"H-hi" I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.</p><p>"our friends are about to get out of detention if you want to come with us"<br/>Ben says with a polite smile.</p><p>" I should get home, but thanks for the offer."</p><p>"O-of course, I-if you ever n-need us just a-ask for the l-losers club."</p><p>"will do," I say back. </p><p>I then grab my backpack and walk out of the bathroom door. On my way home I let my mind drift back to the day. God, what a horrible day.</p><p>Once I get home I ignore my mommas <br/>Yells asking where I've been and run straight upstairs, locking myself in the bathroom.</p><p>I don't remember what happened after that. I just remembered grabbing the blade from my shower, gliding it against my skin. All I could remember was their hands on me.</p><p>Their horrible yet true words echo through my head like a symphony on replay. and I'm back yet again locked in the pitch-black room called my mind</p><p>And all I can think is why is this happening to me, and then I remember </p><p>Because I don't live in a fairytale.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>✿✿✿✿✿<br/>Hi bitches I hope you enjoyed chapter 3 of SHATTERED // Reddie<br/>not edited<br/>Byeeeeee<br/>     <br/>                             ~Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. 𝙸𝚅</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings <br/>---------------------<br/>Mention of rape/sexual assault<br/>Slut-shaming<br/>Mention of self-harm <br/>Mature language </p><p>Song ~ modern loneliness <br/>Composer ~ lauv</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Loneliness<br/>Noun<br/>Sadness because one has no friends or company </p><p> </p><p>When one is by themselves, they tend to sway away from happiness. People always say it's okay to be alone, it's better than being with people. Although Eddie believes this.</p><p>There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.<br/>•••••</p><p>A bright rose haze sets upon Eddie's bed in the early hours of the morning.<br/>His cool duvet wrapped around his body. </p><p>He looks at his pillowcase, a dot of blood sat upon it. He rolls over so he is facing his roof. His popcorn ceiling looks distant. As he gets up, he looks over to his mirror. He slowly looks down at his neck. A hickey is placed on his collar bone. 'Well great' Eddie thinks as his eyes fill up with tears</p><p>He walks into the bathroom as tears fall down his face, an ache in his lower half.</p><p>Once finished with his shower he grabs a black long sleeves button up with colorful flowers on it and a pair of white ripped jeans. He styles his hair, trying to tame his curls. </p><p>He walks downstairs, seeing his momma was gone with a note on the fridge</p><p> </p><p>Dear Eddie-bear<br/>I left early for work today, make sure you get to school on time. Also if you're gonna cut clean your razors.<br/>no lunch or breakfast, you might get dinner.</p><p>Love you, momma</p><p>"Fuck you Sonia" he walks out of the door, as more tears fall down his rosy cheeks.</p><p>He walks into the school, he can see people starting him down most likely noticing his crying and limping. As he goes to his homeroom class, he notices Mason and Lucas eyeing him down.</p><p>"Well hey Eddie, how are you on this fine morning", Mason says with a smirk on his face.</p><p>"Shut the fuck up Mason"</p><p>"I'm pretty sure I'm the one who did the fucking"</p><p>"Can't you just shut up, no one gives one shit about anything that comes out of your fucking mouth. You take pleasure out of ruining everyone's damn lives, well guess what asshole you can't make me hate myself more than I already do." I yell, attracting the other students in the hallway</p><p>"watch it faggot." I hear Lucas say from behind Mason.</p><p>"Or what, are you gonna fucking rape me again. Because if so get it over with?"</p><p>Mason looked like a deer stuck in headlights, surprised that I was able to say something like that.</p><p>"what, you don't want to admit that you raped me in the bathroom down the hall. Saying how I wanted it because I was such a slut. Well of course you don't, you're the jock, aren't you. You're not capable of doing such things. Well, guess what fucknut you di-"</p><p>"Eddie" I hear a familiar voice call my name from behind me. I now feel the tears streaming down the hall and the kids starting at the four of us in the middle of the hallway.</p><p>"Eddie, calm down." I turn around and see Stanley standing there with Bill.</p><p>"come w-with us, 0-okay"</p><p>"Fuck you, Mason lineman," I say as I turn towards Stanley and bill, skipping away</p><p>Once away from the crowd of students I start to run to the bathroom, I walk in and memories start coming back of my screaming. I go and sit in the corner, crying my eyes out. I hear the door open</p><p>"Eddie sweetie, are you okay" I hear stans soft voice say.</p><p>I just start crying out More as I stutter out a "n-n-not re-e-aly."</p><p>I feel stan hug me and then another set of arms which I make out to be Bills. </p><p>" it's okay, to not be okay" I hear stan whisper, which just makes me cry harder.</p><p>I feel myself start to get dizzy: I don't remember anything else other then my head hitting stans shoulder as I faint.<br/>•••••</p><p>I'm awakened by soft talking, I hear at least five voices going at once, maybe more.</p><p>I sit up with, grunting out a quiet "S-Stan?"</p><p>"Great, you're awake" I hear Stan whisper back.</p><p>I open my eyes and see six people staring at me.</p><p>"what is there something on my face?" I joke as I go to Stand up. But I'm pushed down by a girl with fiery red hair and sparkly blue eyes.</p><p>"No, no none of that"</p><p>"I'm fine, let me up," I say I as go to stand up once again.</p><p>"Eddie, she's right, you need to sit down"<br/>I hear bens gentle voice say as he goes to stand beside me.</p><p>"where the hell is Richie" I hear an unknown voice say</p><p>'Richie, that sounds familiar' I think to myself.</p><p>"Fuck" I whisper as a shot of pain goes through my head</p><p>"w-what's wrong E-Eddie"</p><p>"headache"</p><p>"aye boys, I got a piece of pizza for the Youngin" I hear a voice yell as they walk into the bathroom.</p><p>"I don't know who the hell you are but shut the fuck up," I say venom in my voice </p><p>"ah he's awake" </p><p>I look up to see the kid that flirted with me on Monday. He sat the food down and went to sit next to the red-haired girl on the bathroom floor</p><p>"Eat," Stanley says.</p><p>"No" I whisper back</p><p>"Why"</p><p>"momma said so, I'm not allowed to eat"</p><p>"what the fuck, of course, you allowed to eat," Richie says his voice coming out in a joking manner with a hint of hate.</p><p>"that's not what momma said."</p><p>"well fuck your mom Eddie, you can eat if you want to"</p><p>"But if I ear I'll get fat, if I'm fat then I'm ugly, then if I'm ugly momma will hate me even more" I whisper back tears treating to spill from eyes.</p><p>"look, Eddie, you're beautiful, not eating can make you sick okay don't listen to your momma."</p><p>The seventh person spoke up, he has dark skin and beautiful honey eyes to complement it.</p><p>"Thanks, I guess," I say as I grab the pizza, I take a small bite. Slowly eating it as to not get sick.</p><p>"i-if you don't m-mind me asking what happened t-this morning?"</p><p>I suddenly remember my outburst this morning.</p><p>"What, I was just yelling the truth"</p><p>" s-so he did r-r-rape you"</p><p>"yep," I say popping the p.</p><p>"that asshole" I hear Richie say in what sounds like a growl </p><p>"Oh shit, I'm so sorry Eddie." the redhead  says</p><p>"It's fine, really."</p><p>"is that why-?"</p><p>"Yeah, that's why I was passed out on this very same bathroom floor." I say, cutting off Ben.</p><p>Suddenly the bathroom goes into silence, everybody looking for the right words for this situation.</p><p>"I'm Beverly, by the way," the redhead says "and that's mike, over there," she says as she points to mike.</p><p>" It's nice to meet y'all," I say looking at the six teenagers in front of me.</p><p>" It's nice to meet you too," mike and Beverly say in in sync.</p><p>And maybe, you can be alone and not be lonely.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches <br/>I hope you enjoyed this chapter<br/>All y'all guys, gals and non-binary pals better have great day/night</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. 𝚅</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings<br/>----------------------<br/>Self-harm <br/>Mention of panic attacks </p><p>Song ~ Africa<br/>Composer ~ toto</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Emotions<br/>Noun<br/>A natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationship with others</p><p>People are known to hide their emotions, to keep it hidden inside until one day you explode. And if you're taught to let emotions out, you tend to have either a stable mindset or one that is always ready to explode the second something goes wrong.</p><p>If you happen to explode at the wrong time what will others have to say? They'll spread rumors about the kid who had a panic attack in the halls or the kid that yelled at another for reasons they don't know of. </p><p>And if you keep your emotions down, people will spread rumors of the cold-hearted kid in their chemistry class or about the kid who didn't cry when a family member died.</p><p>So either way, your emotions get the best of you. And what will you do if you just so happen to explode at the wrong time?<br/>•••••</p><p>"y' know Eddie, you should tell someone about what happened," Richie says as he walks Eddie back to class.</p><p>"And why would I do that?"</p><p>"So Mason gets put into jail."</p><p>"Look I couldn't give less of a shit what happens to Mason, I just want to get over this so it isn't eating me alive."</p><p>"Okay, sorry", Richie keeps quiet after that. Keeping to himself in the hallway.</p><p>"I'm really sorry for what happened, and I'm always free to talk, cutie."</p><p>For some reason, my cheeks become warmer as he said that. My heart started to beat faster as he grabbed my hand tracing shapes onto the back of it.</p><p>"all of us losers are, we're here for you."</p><p>"Thanks, Richie" I whisper, keeping my voice down because of the sudden feeling that was coursing through me.</p><p>" Of course spaghetti."</p><p>"What the fuck, don't call me that, it's not my name."</p><p>"Well duh it's a nickname."</p><p>"You suck."</p><p>"You swallow."</p><p>"welp, spitters are quitters."</p><p>At that, we both burst out laughing. His contagious giggles swarming through the halls.</p><p>"nev'ah took ya as the funny gay"</p><p>" I think you mean guy"</p><p>"nope pretty sure gay's the right word"</p><p>At that, I stop in the middle of the hall. I stare into his eyes which seems to be filled with anxiety.</p><p>I suddenly explode with laughter, tears falling down my face as I try to control myself. Richie seems somewhat concerned as if he's afraid of what his next move should be.</p><p>Once I calm down from my laughing, I walk over to where he's standing and engulf him into a tight hug.</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"For what, gumdrop?"</p><p>"Just for being you."</p><p>"Well it is a gift."</p><p>"I can tell", I pull back from the hug and look into his ocean blue eyes. And suddenly all I feel is raw emotion, I don't feel this very often. But for once it feels okay to feel.<br/>•••••</p><p>"Okay guys, today we will be going over some of our more difficult emotions in French, I will put your vocabulary on the board."</p><p>I turn my head as Ms. Lane starts to write on the board.</p><p>Peur<br/>Colère<br/>Douleur<br/>En extase<br/>L'amour </p><p>"I want you to translate to English and then find the definition of the word."</p><p>'pretty easy' I think to myself as I google the first word.<br/>•••••</p><p>As I walk to lunch I still can't get Richie's words out of my head.</p><p>"all of us losers are, we're here for you."</p><p>If only that was true. If only they knew about the scabs on my arms or my noticeable ribs.</p><p>If only they saw how I flinch at loud noises, or how nauseous I become after taking my afternoon pills.</p><p>If only they noticed my tear-soaked cheeks or my pleas for help that just won't leave my mouth.</p><p>And they may be there for me but are they really that helpful if they don't know the real me to be there, for.<br/>•••••</p><p>I walk into the lunchroom, seeing the losers sitting there chatting away. I go to walk towards the bathroom when I hear my name called. I turn towards the losers table to see Richie starting right back at me</p><p>"Come here" he mouths.</p><p>"No" I mouth back.</p><p>He gets up from his seat and starts to walk towards me, he grabs my hand and pulls me to his table.</p><p>"What are you doing?", I whisper  through clenched teeth.</p><p>"Making you socialize" he whispers back.</p><p>"fuck you."</p><p>"You know you want to."</p><p>"shut up."</p><p>"Make me."</p><p>"Bet."</p><p>"Bet."</p><p>We finally make it to the table, Richie pulls me to sit next to me.</p><p>"Oh hey Eddie, I didn't know you were sitting here," Bev said in a rather cheery manner.</p><p>"I don't have to, I can go back to the bathroom."</p><p>"Don't be stupid Eddie, of course, we want you to sit with us."</p><p>"Okay then, thanks."</p><p>At that everybody goes back to there conversations, but I can't help but notice Richie staring at me.</p><p>"What do you want Richie," I say, an annoyed tone slipping through my voice</p><p>"What's that on your arm"</p><p>I suddenly can't breathe, it feels as if my throat closes up and my head goes dizzy.</p><p>"Nothing," I say tears start to build-up in my eyes </p><p>"Eddie what's that on your arm, tell me?His voice sounds more commanding like he knows I won't answer unless someone makes me.</p><p>"Bathroom" I shout which makes everyone at our table look at me.</p><p>"I have to go to the bathroom, excuse me."</p><p>I run to the bathroom and lock myself in a stall, I never hear the bathroom door open, signifying someone walking in, as I grab the blade out of my backpack. <br/>•••••</p><p>'well fuck' I think to myself as I walk through the door to my house. My mom is nowhere to be seen. I hear the tv playing the news, them saying something about a sudden thunderstorm later tonight.</p><p>I lay on my bed, grabbing my Chromebook, and starting my homework.<br/>•••••</p><p>I must've fallen asleep because I'm awoken by a distant boom.<br/>I've never been able to fall asleep during storms, so planning on sleeping now wouldn't happen.</p><p>I look over at the notes I took for French.</p><p>Fear<br/>Anger <br/>Grief<br/>Ecstatic <br/>Love</p><p>Maybe one day ill be able to feel l'amour<br/>I think as more tears fall from my face, I bury myself into my pillow, and just like that, I'm sobbing. Even screaming, just letting everything out that I've kept bottled up.</p><p>and all I can think is 'thank God I chose now to explode'</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches, this chapter is again not edited cause I'm still a lazy fucker.<br/>Have a great day/night</p><p> </p><p>                        ~Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. 𝚅𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings<br/>----------------------<br/>Self-harm<br/>Gretta's a bitch </p><p>Song ~ Dark enough <br/>Musician ~ Amanda Lopiccolo</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Discomfort<br/>Verb<br/>Make (someone) feel uneasy, anxious, or embarrassed</p><p>Have you ever had that feeling of just pure anxiety, you can't breathe, your vision blurs with tears, you feel utterly alone in a world of millions of people.</p><p>But the only thing you can think during this time is, is someone paying attention to me, you don't care about yourself or the discomfort you're going through, all you think about is will people remember this, are they paying attention to me.</p><p>Because you don't care about your own health, you care about what people will see, what they will think, how people will act around you. And it's horrible that we're more afraid of people's opinions then ourselves being okay.<br/>•••••</p><p>Eddie is woken up by a painfully loud enough ringing from the home phone downstairs, he slowly gets out of bed answering the phone with a groan of "hello".</p><p>"Eddie spaghetti!"</p><p>"How the ever-living fuck do you have my number?"</p><p>"I have my ways."</p><p>"Of course you do" I grumble.</p><p>"Anyways, what do you want?"</p><p>" I was wondering if I could walk you to school?"</p><p>" You don't know where I live."</p><p>"Well you could tell me?"</p><p>"Fine."</p><p>I give him my address and hang up. I walk upstairs to get changed. I pick out a bluish/blackish TØP hoddie and blue jeans.</p><p>I pace around my room waiting for Richie to get here. I can't help but wonder 'what if he notices'. What if he notices the unkempt living room and the excessive amount of pills on the coffee table? What if he comes inside and sees the junk food lining the insides of the cupboard?<br/>What if he wants to go to my room and sees the razors in my bedside drawer when I decide I have to use the bathroom?</p><p>Oh, wait that reminds me. I have a fucking crush on Richie fucking Tozier. "Well, shit" I whisper to myself. Remembering this new information, adds more mortifying thoughts to my mind, what if he notices me acting weird, what if he decides to ask me and I get all flustered and he notices my red cheeks and stuttering. What if he does the same thing, what if we kis-?</p><p>Okay, enough about Richie Tozier, let's think about dying, that usually makes you cheerful.</p><p>A blaring 'ring' cuts through the silence.<br/>A thundering knock follows as Eddie walks to the front door</p><p>"I'm coming, can you shut up"</p><p>Eddie opens the door to Richie himself, wearing a smug smirk across his face </p><p>"Trust me, baby, when you come I think we'll both he yelling</p><p>"Please even if we fucked, you wouldn't get a scream out of me"</p><p>"wanna bet"</p><p>"Bet"</p><p>"ohhh kinky"</p><p>At that Eddie couldn't help but let out a quiet giggle as he looked down at his feet.</p><p>And if he would have looked up he would have noticed Richie staring at him with hearts in his eyes, as well as a painful glint.</p><p>"Welp, lets go"</p><p>"Eye, eye captain" Richie says in what seems to be a pirate accent.</p><p>And as they walked down the road that leads to school you could hear their distant giggles and see that far away look in their eyes that are only meant for each other.<br/>•••••</p><p>"May I switch my partner, Mrs. Lilly?"</p><p>"Is this about your outburst yesterday morning?"</p><p>"Yes ma'am,"</p><p>"I guess it's fine then, you'll be Conners partner."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>I get up to do sit beside Conner.</p><p>"Hey Conner," I say a sweet smile rested across my usual bitch face.</p><p>"Oh hey Eddie," he says smiling back.</p><p>I sit down beside him as I bring out the part of the project I was already working on.<br/>•••••</p><p>"No Conner, you dumbass," I say, a fake laugh bubbling out of my throat.</p><p>"What! It was just a question?"</p><p>"You asked if the Indians and pilgrim's got along, the pilgrim's actually killed them," I say emphasizing the killed.</p><p>"well I'm sorry Eddie," corner says in a mocking tone.</p><p>"Fuck you."</p><p>"That's fair."<br/>•••••</p><p>During lunch, I decided to head to the band room. Since I didn't want to socialize with the losers and the bathroom was being cleaned.</p><p>As I was walking to the band room I saw Gretta push Bev down.</p><p>"Slut" Gretta yells as she walks away.</p><p>"Fuck you" Bev yells back.</p><p>"Bev" I yelled as I walked up behind her, grabbing her hand and helping her up.</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yea, I'm fine Eddie."</p><p>"Here come with me I can bandage your cut," I say pointing to her bleeding knee.</p><p>"Yeah okay."</p><p>We walk to the boys' bathroom, she walks inside and sits on the counter.</p><p>After bandaging her up and the short conversation she gets up ready to walk out but instead turns around.</p><p>"You coming with?"</p><p>"umm no I'm gonna head to the umm chorus, y' know work on my music."</p><p>"Yeah okay," she says as she stares me down.</p><p>I self consciously cover myself up.</p><p>"Bye Eddie."</p><p>"Bye Bev."</p><p>I leave the bathroom, walking down the hall, looking at the other kids as they walk to lunch or their next class.</p><p>Once inside I go to sit by the piano and start playing.</p><p>How does someone so perfect <br/>Feel so insecure<br/>As to scar their skin with cuts and burns<br/>And still want to hurt more</p><p>How does someone so loving<br/>Learn to hate their own guts<br/>Drawing a picture on their arms with a blade as if their mind isn't dark enough </p><p> I finish the song, looking down at the cut on my arms, as tears flowed down my cheeks. And maybe if I looked up I would have noticed Richie staring at me through the window on the door, the same amount of tears on his face as well.<br/>✿✿✿✿✿</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches <br/>I kinda like Eddie being a musician sooo</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. 𝙸𝚇</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings <br/>-----------------------<br/>Talk of rape<br/>Talk of self-harm <br/>Self Downing </p><p>Song ~ YOUTH<br/>Musician ~ Troye Sivan</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Euphoria<br/>Noun<br/>A feeling or state of intense excitement and happiness</p><p> </p><p>Happiness. When people think of happiness what do people think of?<br/>Maybe they think of an old friend <br/>Or a favorite memory. Maybe they think of just happiness as a whole.</p><p>Happiness seems like one of the easy Emotions. 'Everybody's happy.'<br/>But are they? How long has it been since you felt happy? And when I say this I don't mean when was the last time you laughed at a joke or smiled and felt chirpy that one time.</p><p>I mean, when was the last time you felt truly happy? No moments, no thoughts. Just you being happy for days, weeks, years. When was the last time you were able to smile without that thought of hopelessness in the back of your mind screaming at you?</p><p>Can you think of that moment? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Maybe you can but that moment was years ago. Or maybe you can't, but you remember smiles and laughter.</p><p>Now, when was the last time you felt euphoric? When was the last time you felt like you were on top of the world like nothing could bring you down no matter how hard they tried?</p><p>If you can think of that moment. if you still feel that way that's amazing. And if you can't, that's okay. It might be difficult to understand but everybody has that moment when they don't feel okay.</p><p>Some people's moments may last 2 minutes others 2 years. Some even longer.</p><p>But euphoria is a hard feeling. Even worst than happiness. But don't stop trying to feel that way. Don't ever stop fighting to be okay. </p><p>Life sucks, everybody knows this. Some lives are just worst than others.</p><p>So what happens when you feel euphoria for the first time in years?<br/>•••••</p><p>Smiles, everybody smiles but nobody smiles like Richie Tozier. His eyes twinkle like the stars in a beautiful night sky behind his coke bottle glasses.</p><p>His nose scrunches up, making his freckles more prominent.</p><p>His dimples light up his face. his smiles are one thing, Eddie couldn't live without.</p><p>Fuck, I'm really fucking gay.</p><p>Now that's a thought. I feel mirthful, I feel lively. I feel whatever the fuck is a synonym for happiness.</p><p>Because with Richie I feel okay. I don't feel scared I didn't feel hopeless. For once in my life someone makes me feel okay.</p><p>And maybe, just maybe I'm okay with that.  </p><p>But one thing about Richie is how he is a fucking idiot. Now don't get me wrong, I ain't the smartest but I'm not an idiot.</p><p>And that is why I walk downstairs to see my mom talking to Richie fuckin' Tozier himself.</p><p>Shit</p><p>"Hi, Ms. Kaspbrak I was wondering if Eddie could come over to my house today?"</p><p>"May I have a name to fit your face?"</p><p>"Oh lord, that was so rude of me. My name is Richard Tozier and I go to school with your kid, Edward."</p><p>'that faker'</p><p>"Well Richard, it would be fine for Eddie to leave with you. I'll get him to pack an overnight bag, " you could easily see the scowl hidden behind the phony smile.</p><p>"Yes ma'am," a rather chirpy smile made its way onto his face.</p><p>'He's trying to make a good impression'<br/>'Of course, he is, he's amazing.'</p><p>I quickly run back upstairs, to grab my bookbag. </p><p>"Edward, some kid is here. You're going to his house."</p><p>"Okay momma, " I say with a nod. </p><p>I can see with Richie standing at the door trying to hold in a laugh.</p><p>"Be good."</p><p>"I will momma, don't worry."</p><p>She leans down to my ear her chubby hands grabbing my shoulders.</p><p>"No Dinner or lunch," she whispers into my ear.</p><p>"Okay, mommy."</p><p>"Bye sweetie, love you."</p><p>"Bye, Love you too."</p><p>I hastily walk towards Richie, shutting the door in a swift movement.</p><p>The sun is beating down onto the jagged sidewalk, sweat starts to build upon my neck.</p><p>"It's fucking September, why is it so hot?"</p><p>"No idea, Bambi, " he says as he grabs my hand.</p><p>"You're a suck-up y' know."</p><p>"Really? I hadn't noticed, "a bright smile appears on his face.</p><p>"Well you're not very smart, now are you?"</p><p>"Please, I'm a genius."</p><p>"Keep telling yourself that, " I say in a sing-song voice.</p><p>And as we walk to his house a comforting silence settles over us. It feels as if we're walking towards an infinite lifetime with just ourselves. Glowing eyes and bright smiles. Leaning on each other for support, and soaking in each other's body warmth.</p><p>Happiness, you can feel happy. But feel sad. like how it can rain with the sun out. It's gloomy, and you feel hopeless.<br/>But the sadness is shining, the dull glare is replaced with a beautiful star. And then a rainbow appears. Gorgeous colors shine through the clouds. All those colors becoming one, turning into a beautiful supernova. Seeing them everywhere until the rainbow is gone, and the rain starts again.<br/>•••••</p><p>A flicker of light is flowing through the Tozier's curtain as I sit on Richie's bed</p><p>"Now I must ask, why am I here?" my voice comes out in a prissy way. I wince waiting for Richie to get angry with me.</p><p>"Well the losers and I are having a sleepover, and you're coming."</p><p>"Who said."</p><p>"Me, duh, " he tries imitating an obnoxious girl's voice, only for it to fail.</p><p>"Is it okay with the rest, " a pool of anxiety settles in my tummy. 'what if they don't want me there.' what if I'm intruding' 'will I be a burden.' millions and millions of thoughts rush through my once quiet mind, only for the thoughts to be shut down by Richie.</p><p>"Of course they are ed's, we love you, " a gigantic grin rest upon his face as he finished his sentence.</p><p>"You sure?"</p><p>"Very."</p><p>And maybe if we stare into each other's eyes a little longer than usual, or if we smiled a little brighter. Well, no one has to know that except us.<br/>•••••</p><p>"What up fuckers, " shouts a jittery Beverly as she walks into Richie's house.</p><p>"Nothing much bitch, " Richie shouts right back.</p><p>"Oh hey, Eddie." 'she sounds disappointed."</p><p>"Hey, Bev."</p><p>"Alright now, where are the rest of those shitheads... Except for Ben," she adds as a second thought.</p><p>"Well bill and stan are probably fucking and mike is running late."</p><p>A look of confusion consumes my face. Richie must have noticed considering he ponders on his words before looking towards me.</p><p>"They're dating, " Richie says as if that had been repeated multiple times.</p><p>"awwwww, I thought they looked cute together." </p><p>"Wait, " Bev says "you're okay with that."</p><p>"I hope so, or that would be a lot of inner homophobia."</p><p>"Oh okay." she seems to drop it only for her eyes to widen as she looks back at me.</p><p>"You're gay?!"</p><p>"Well yes, but don't scream it to the neighbors."</p><p>"Sorry, " she apologizes, still with a smile on her face.</p><p>Maybe it isn't just Richie that makes me happy. Maybe it's the losers as a whole. Maybe it's the feeling of having someone care. Maybe it's the state of euphoria I'm in when these people are around me.<br/>•••••</p><p>"You what!?"</p><p>"Look it isn't a big deal, " I respond.</p><p>"Um yes, it is, " Richie starts " You Eddie Kaspbrak, has gotten drunk before?"</p><p>"Yes Richie, I have, " I say in an annoyed tone. "That's how I deal with my feelings dipshit."</p><p>"Please, what feeling do you have?"</p><p>"Sadness." at that everyone turns to me. A look of worry and confusion mixed into their eyes.</p><p>Suddenly I start to laugh. I'm not sure why considering what I said had been true. But maybe it's because of how they reacted. </p><p>Feelings had always been difficult for me. Even though I know what these feelings are and I've felt that way before. It has still always been a difficult concept for me to understand.</p><p>Maybe it's because my mom had been overprotective my whole life. Or maybe it's because the person who truly cared for me had died when I was five.</p><p>It still hurt though. And maybe that's why I'm laughing. So that these happy people don't become sad like me. Why should they worry about me? What's so special about me?</p><p>"Okay, now next question... Has your cherry been Popped, and if so by who?" Beverly asked while wiggling her eyebrows.</p><p>"Stanley you go, " Richie shouts.</p><p>Stanley mumbles something only to be told to speak louder by Beverly.<br/>"Bill, okay!"</p><p>I can't help the coo that leaves my mouth.<br/>Neither could Richie hold back his laugh.</p><p>"Ohhhh who topped, " Richie added with a smirk.</p><p>"I just met y'all like two weeks ago but I bet Stanley, " I said.</p><p>"Wow, well for your information I did top bitches, " Stanley added proudly.</p><p>"You get it Stan the man, " Richie added with and applaud.</p><p>"S-shut the fuck up R-richard ." bill squeaks out.</p><p>"Okay, who's next... Ben?"</p><p>"I'm a virgin, " Ben says with a shrug.</p><p>"I am too, " mike adds.</p><p>"How about you Bev?" </p><p>"Last year, Jordan McCartney, " she says wearing a smirk.</p><p>"Now, Richie?"</p><p>"Victoria Sanchez, now, Eddie?"</p><p>Fuck, it all comes back to me as quickly as it left. I didn't hook up with somebody I was raped by a so-called asshole. What do I say? Do I say I'm a virgin or do I tell them the truth? They'll understand, won't they?</p><p>"I really wouldn't say I hooked up with somebody but umm Mason Carter, " I can feel my breathing pick up as all eyes turn towards me.</p><p>"That asshole took your virginity?" Richie all but growls through the question.</p><p>"Yep, " I say popping the p.</p><p>It's silent for a while, everyone thinking of what to say to make the situation less awkward.</p><p>"But hey, at least I didn't lose it to Richie."</p><p>At my statement, everyone but Richie starts to laugh.</p><p>"Wow, I'm offended," Richie says as he puts a hand over his heart, acting hurt.</p><p>"You should be," I say as a pout takes over my features.</p><p>He tackles me to the floor as I start to laugh. And there it is that bubbly feeling once again. That happiness that comes and goes. That euphoria once again.</p><p>Those thoughts of sadness turn into a minuscule dot lodged into the back of my mind. And of course, I know that when I leave here tomorrow. When I leave to go to a house that doesn't feel like home. I'll be sad once again. I'll feel hopeless and alone. But it's better to feel okay when you have the chance to.</p><p>It's better to smile and fake affection until your home alone where you can add more marks to your body in peace. Where you can puke your guts out without questions. Where you don't have to pretend to be okay. When you can cry and get ignored. When you can hurt without the comfort of others.</p><p>But then those words come back to you once again.</p><p>all of us losers are, we're here for you.</p><p>If only you were. If only you knew. </p><p>If only you cared.</p><p>Because who cares about the closet case. Who cares about the cracks and the broken pieces. Who cares about the messed-up vision of one's looks.</p><p>Who cars about the shattered mirror when it can just be thrown into the trash.</p><p>People ruin your life. While they live theirs perfectly.</p><p>So really who gives a fuck about the broken when they can get the new and improved.</p><p>Everyone does it. They get rid of the old ruined piece of furniture for the new and updated one.</p><p>The one without cracks. The one without dirt. The one without memories. Because who cares about old memories when you can just make new ones.</p><p>Who cares<br/>Who cares<br/>Who cares</p><p>Your mind shouts at you like a mantra. It yells until you can't take it anymore and you bust the mirror. </p><p>Because fuck the shattered mirror.<br/>And fuck yourself.<br/>✿✿✿✿✿</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches :)<br/>Sooooo if you don't know I chose the cover for a reason. So search us what the 'black dahlia' symbolizes and then you'll understand why the aesthetic is flowers.</p><p>Okay that's all <br/>Lauve you all</p><p>                             ~Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. 𝚅𝙸𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings <br/>----------------------<br/>it looks like there is smut but there isn't really just fluff</p><p>Song ~ all of me<br/>Musician ~ John Legend</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maybe<br/>Adverb<br/>Perhaps; possibly</p><p>Eddie follows the gleaming ball of light down the somber hallway. As he turns the corner he sees Richie standing there, staring at him an amiable expression on his face.</p><p>And as quick as sleep comes and goes, Richie has pushed Eddie against the hallway wall, kissing him with passion. Savoring what they both have been wanting since they met.</p><p>Richie slowly lowered his head, sucking on eddies neck like it was what he was made for. Covering up the mark from Mason. </p><p>They looked into the eyes of each other as Richie goes in for another kis-.</p><p>But then again when do dreams actually happen, so Eddie is woken up, gasping for air. His messy hair sticking up, and his body dripping with sweat.</p><p>As Eddie lays back down trying to get some sleep, he can't help but wonder what it would feel like for Richie to look at him like that, to touch him like that.</p><p>And as the thoughts scatter through his mind, luring him into a deep sleep the only word in his mind is Richie Richie Richie.<br/>•••••</p><p>"Describe it, feel it, want it"<br/>Says Mrs. Lane, she was going over their words once again.</p><p>"I want y'all to start off with l' amour.<br/>Think about how you would describe love, have you ever felt love and what it felt like, and write about how wanting love or having love makes you a better or happier person. I want this done by tomorrow, okay?"</p><p>Just as she finished her sentence the bell rang, dismissing us from the long talk about how 'overdue assignments, just aren't acceptable'.</p><p>I quickly pack up my backpack, running out of the classroom as quickly as I could.</p><p>As he was walking down the hall he looked at the bulletin board. He noticed a flyer about tryouts for the swim team.<br/>Eddie had always liked swimming, just being able to be in the water as your head goes fuzzy from the lack of air, but still being able to breathe once you breached the water. Feeling the breath you had just lost seconds before.</p><p>But not only that but also, how when you're underwater you feel as if you're away from the world, every noise is fuzzy as you're left alone with your thoughts.<br/>And although Eddie's thoughts weren't always great, he was still able to have them without interruptions.</p><p>He gleefully walks towards the cafeteria, spotting the losers at their usual table.</p><p>"Do y'all mind if I sit?" he asks rather shyly </p><p>"of course not spaghetti."</p><p>"What the fuck, don't call me that."</p><p>"watch me."</p><p>Eddie sits beside Richie, seeing the rest of the losers smile at him than continuing with their conversations.</p><p>"So Eddie how were your classes?"</p><p>"they sucked."</p><p>"You know what else sucks, your mom."</p><p>"Dude that's fucking disgusting."</p><p>Richie and Eddie's encounter catches the attention of the rest.</p><p>"look, as your stepdaddy, I would like it if you didn't call me dude."</p><p>Now if Eddie was a different person, he would have ignored him, grabbing his phone and reading. But, we'll Eddie isn't a normal person.</p><p>"What are you going to do, spank me, daddy?"</p><p>As Eddie said that the table went quiet. Anxiety started to build up in his chest, his face becoming red. What if they thought it was stupid, what if they didn't like Eddie saying that, what if they get mad and tell him to lea-.</p><p>"Ed's gets off a good one yowza, yowza, yow-za" </p><p>Leave it up to Richie to lighten up the mood, the whole table goes off in obnoxious laughter, feeling up the cafeteria with their sweet giggles.</p><p>Finally, the laughter dies down. Everyone starting to talk about what assignments they have to get done.</p><p>Richie breaks off a price of bread from his school 'hamburger'.</p><p>"here take some."</p><p>"I'm good, but thanks."</p><p>"You sure?"</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"Okie Dokie then."</p><p>I slowly lay my head on Richie's shoulder, feeling his warm skin against mine already makes me happy.</p><p>"You tired"</p><p>"Just a little," I say as a little yawn escapes from my throat </p><p>"Look we have at least 15 minutes left, take a nap okay bug"</p><p>"Yeah, okay"<br/>At that, I lay my head in Richie's lap and close my eyes as I drift into a soundless sleep.<br/>•••••</p><p>"Eddie baby, it's time for class"</p><p>"Ughhh" I moan out as I sit up. It looks as if the cafeteria had cleared out, making only some other kids and Richie and me. I stand up from my seat grabbing my backpack and putting it on my shoulders</p><p>"Think you could walk me to class?"</p><p>"Why not gumdrop," Richie says in a British accent, getting up from his seat.</p><p>We walk down the hall towards AP English.</p><p>As we approach my class I grab Richie's hand. He jumps a little but doesn't let go.</p><p>"Bye Richie."</p><p>"Bye spaghetti."</p><p>I walk to the door but before I go in I walk back towards Richie, I place a delicate kiss on his cheek, blushing as I pull away.</p><p>"Bye-bye."</p><p>I quickly walk into the classroom, I look behind me just in time to see Richie touch his cheek as a huge grin spreads across his flustered face.</p><p>"See ya" he yells back, skipping down the hall towards his advanced math class.<br/>•••••</p><p>It's about 4:30 when I get home, getting caught in the hallways as the kids trampled out of their classrooms and out the main door, getting ready for a whole. two days without annoying teachers up your ass all day long, and equally annoying classmates.</p><p>I can hear the TV playing the news.</p><p>"I'm home momma"</p><p>"great Eddie bear, have you taken your pills?"</p><p>"yes momma."</p><p>"good, run along now."</p><p>And of course, I listen. I walk up the stairs and run towards my bedroom, quickly shutting and locking the door then throwing myself on my bed.</p><p>'time to start fucking school work.'<br/>•••••</p><p>"One step, two steps, three steps. I follow you as you lead me away from this shattered mirror, looking at this picture of a younger self in the glass, a happy, loving self that's been away from you ever since you found out how the real world works.</p><p>My chest becomes heavy as I can't seem to catch my breath, my mind foggy as I can't seem to think anything but your name, a broken reflection follows us through the darkroom</p><p>and then there we were on a cliff with a beautiful sunset staring right back at us, we sit down letting our feet hang and I can't help but fall into the embrace of your welcoming arms. All I can think about is what would happen if you were mine? And why can't I seem to make it happen?</p><p>Because God, all I feel around you is <br/>l' amour.</p><p>Maybe letting your innermost deepest thoughts out through a school assignment isn't the best approach, but hey at least he's letting out some emotion that isn't sadness.<br/>✿✿✿✿✿</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches<br/>So here is Eddies schedule <br/>Core 1 - Homeroom<br/>Core 2 - History honors <br/>Core 3 - French<br/>Core 4 - AP English<br/>Core 5 - Math 3 ( not added yet)<br/>Sorry if it's confusing, but I just got my life together <br/>I hope y'all enjoyed the fluff<br/>Lauveeeee yalllll<br/>  <br/>                            ~ Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. 𝚅𝙸𝙸𝙸</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Trigger warnings <br/>-----------------------<br/>Mentions of panic attacks <br/>Panic attacks </p><p>Song ~ Your song<br/>Musician ~ Elton John</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Panic attack<br/>A sudden episode of intense fear or anxiety and physical symptoms, based on a perceived threat rather than imminent danger.</p><p> </p><p>Thoughts, so many thoughts causing a riot in your head. Your thinking becomes jumbled as words jump across your mind. Your safe place turns into your worst fear.</p><p>The ringing in your ears causes your brain to short circuit. Your arms shaking as you try to wipe the tears from your flustered face.</p><p>The tears. They slowly glide down your face as your breathing speeds up. You wipe them away just for them to come back. You try the breathing exercises you were taught for them to not work.</p><p>All you can do is shut your eyes as every part of you starts to hurt. Because what can you do when you have a panic attack?<br/>•••••</p><p>Thoughts, ringing, tears, Breathing. The constant sound of people calling Eddie's name as he sinks to the floor. His back hitting his locker, his thoughts taking over.</p><p>A jumble of yelling can be heard from the crowd that surrounds him. And just as he blacks out he hears a faint whisper of his name being yelled.<br/>•••••</p><p>A low whisper is heard as Eddie regains consciousness. He can hear people talking, keeping his eyes closed he listens to the people talking.</p><p>"Is he okay?"</p><p>"I'm sure he is Richie."</p><p>Richie, of course, Richie is always there for people when they need him.</p><p>"But like, what if he isn't. I mean what happened?"</p><p>"I don't know what happened sweetie, but I know he's okay."</p><p>"Are you sure?"</p><p>"Yeah I am, now I have to catch up with Ben, Later Richie."</p><p>"See ya bevy."</p><p>I hear Richie sit down in what I assume is a chair beside the bed.</p><p>"Richie?"</p><p>"Eddie, thank God you're okay!"</p><p>The happiness In his sapphire eyes turns to concern once he remembers what happened to Eddie.</p><p>"Shit Eddie, what the hell happened out there?"</p><p>It takes a second to understand his question, but as Eddie looks around the nurse's office -or which he assumes is the nurse's office- it slowly starts to fade back into his memory.</p><p>He had a panic attack in school.</p><p>"Nothing Richie."</p><p>"What do you mean nothing?"</p><p>" I mean what I said, it was nothing."</p><p>I start to sit up, wanting to get out of this situation as quickly as possible. </p><p>"Eddie, you know you can talk to me, right?"</p><p>"Never said I couldn't."</p><p>"Eddie whatever your middle name is Kaspbrak, sit back down and talk to me."</p><p>"There nothing to talk about Richie Elizabeth Tozier."</p><p>"You know my middle name!?" </p><p>"Yep."</p><p>I go to walk out of the room when Richie grabs my hand making me yelp out in Surprise and pain.</p><p>"What the hell Richie?!"</p><p>"Look. We don't have to talk but come back to my house okay? It would be fun to see you out of school."</p><p>Overthinking is one of my many habits, so I can't help but think about the worse that could happen. But then again I have no impulse control.</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>A smile makes its way onto Richie's face, his ocean eyes glowing with euphoria.</p><p>He grabs my hand once again leading me out of the school doors.</p><p>"But if you murder me I'm suing."</p><p>"How can you sue me if you're dead?"</p><p>"I'll figure it out."</p><p>"Uh-huh."</p><p>We walk up to a brick house. Flower beds filled with begonias. A white fence surrounds the front and backyard. 'His house is an actual dream home.' I think as we walk up to the front door.</p><p>"Ma maison est ta maison."</p><p>"You know French?"</p><p>"Yep, Mom taught me."</p><p>Of course, he knows French, he's amazing at everything anyway.</p><p>"Mom I'm home."</p><p>"What the fuck, I'm meeting your parents?"</p><p>"Don't worry, they'll love you." </p><p>"They better."</p><p>"Hey Richie, I thought you were hanging out wi- who's he?"</p><p>She says as she looks towards me. Fuck, she probably hates me. </p><p>"This is Eddie, Eddie this is my mom"</p><p>"Hi Mrs. Tozier"</p><p>"Please, call me Maggie, now if Richard would have told me we were having company I would have straightened up a bit."</p><p>"Please, your home is lovely Mrs. T- Maggie"</p><p>"Well aren't you just the sweetest, it was great meeting you Eddie."</p><p>" It's great to meet you too Maggie."</p><p>"Now I have to finish cooking, your dad should be home in the next hour."</p><p>"Got it, mom, we'll be upstairs."</p><p>"Okay honey."</p><p>And with that Maggie headed back to the kitchen as Richie led me upstairs.</p><p>Richie headed to the stairs that were placed toward the right of his living room. The stairs creak every other step I took. 'it's probably because of my weight.'</p><p>Once up the stairs, Richie leads to the room at the end of the hall to the left. The door is decorated with a poster of 'Nirvana' and different stickers.</p><p>As he opened the don't I was met with light gray walls decorated with even more posters. Some of older bands like 'Foreigner' and 'Queen' while some newer ones like 'Bring Me The Horizon' and 'Sleeping With Sirens'.</p><p>His -twin- bed was covered in a black duvet with pastel yellow pillows.<br/>Fairy lights hung above his headboard, picture of the losers club hung from the strings. And right above that was a flag with the colors pink, purple, and blue.<br/>'I'll have to ask him about that'</p><p>"Your room is very aesthetically pleasing."</p><p>"Well, I tried."</p><p>He walks over to his record player that sits on his plain white desk, playing one of his vinyl records. He then walks over to his bed, throwing himself down on it. the springs creaking once his back makes contact with his mattress.</p><p>"So what did you want to talk about?" I say as I walk over to sit beside him.</p><p>"Well, I don't know, but do you have anything you need to talk about?"</p><p>"What's up with the flag," I say pointing to the flag above his head.</p><p>"Oh that, just showing it true colors."</p><p>Confusion takes over my head, 'what does he mean, showing his true colors.'</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"Do you not know what that flag stands for?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Oh. Well, that's the bisexual flag."</p><p>I can't help but let my mouth fall open, of course, I don't mean it in bad way it just surprises me.</p><p>"So you're bi?"</p><p>"Eye Eye, " his words come out in a joking manner but you could easily hear the anxiety dripping through his voice.</p><p>"Cool, I'm pretty sure I'm gay."</p><p>At that, his mouth also falls open, his eyes widening in shock.</p><p>"Oh?"</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>"Well them lucky fellows would love a guy like you."</p><p>Guy, again this works haunts me. Richie must have seen me wince, Since his face shifts once again to concern.</p><p>"You okay Eds?"</p><p>"Don't call me that Richie!"</p><p>"Sorry, are you okay Eddie?"</p><p>"I don't like being called a guy, okay?"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"I don't want to be called a guy, or a he or a boy."</p><p>"So you want to be called she?"</p><p>"No. I'm not a girl."</p><p>"Then a they?"</p><p>They. They, sounds nice.</p><p>"Yeah, I guess so."</p><p>"So you're non-binary"</p><p>"I'm what?"</p><p>"If you want to be called they and them then you would be considered <br/>non-binary."</p><p>"So I'm non-binary?"</p><p>"do you want to be?"</p><p>"Yeah, I guess."</p><p>A wide smile overtakes my once glum expression. I'm a they. I don't have to be a boy and I don't have to be a girl. I don't have to be a he or a she. I can be a they. </p><p>The song playing goes off, a new one starts playing. The sound of a piano being played fills Richie's room.</p><p>"Now my beautiful them, may I have this dance?"</p><p>A giggle bubbles out of my throat.</p><p>"You may, also thank you for using proper grammar."</p><p>He grabs my hand pulling me to the middle of his room.</p><p>"Slow dance?"</p><p>"Slow dance, " I repeat.</p><p>He slowly grabs my hips looking down at me for confirmation, I give a slight nod bringing my own hands up to his shoulders. </p><p>We slowly dance to the music. As the song ends I pull away only to be pulled back in.</p><p>"You're beautiful Eddie Kaspbrak."</p><p>"Bentley."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"My middle name, Bentley."</p><p>"Well then, you're beautiful Eddie Bentley Kaspbrak."</p><p>My smile widens as I stare into his sapphire eyes, it's as if a world rest behind them, and my home just to happens to be there.</p><p>He untangles himself from me, staring right back into my eyes.</p><p>"You're not so had yourself, Tozier"<br/>•••••</p><p>We walk down the stairs once we hear the front door open and close signifying that Richie's dad Wentworth has come home from work.</p><p>"Hey Richie how was shc- who's this?"</p><p>"I'm Eddie Mr. Tozier."</p><p>"Oh well it's nice to meet you, Eddie."</p><p>"You too Mr. Tozier."</p><p>"Well Eddie has to get going , so Im'a walk him home. I'll be back soon."</p><p>"Got it."</p><p>Wentworth and Maggie wave to me as Richie and I walk through the door.</p><p>The walk back to my house was filled with laughter and smiles. Both of us starting at each other with tenderness and fondness, but neither of us noticing.</p><p>We walk up to my house, he lets go of my hand as I go to my front door.</p><p>"Bye Richie, " I say as I press a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>"Bye Bambi."</p><p>Once again a little smile makes its way onto my face.</p><p>Once I open my door I turn back towards Richie.</p><p>"Hey Richie, what was the song?"</p><p>"Your song by Elton John."</p><p>"Got it, bye."</p><p>"Bye."</p><p>I walk into my house seeing my mom passed out on her recliner, with the news playing on the TV.</p><p>Once I get to my room, I grab my speaker from my desk. I hook my phone to it then I turn on Spotify.</p><p>The beautiful words of Elton John fill my room as I lay on my bed.</p><p>'Fuck' I think 'I'm falling in love with Richie Tozier.'<br/>✿✿✿✿✿</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi bitches <br/>So I'm like really proud of this chapter <br/>And I hope you liked it<br/>Byeeeeee</p><p>                             ~ Jillian</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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